The Grouchy Conductor

Most NJ Transit conductors aren’t friendly. I can’t say I blame them. Any job dealing with the public is hard enough. Dealing with them coming and going from work every day seems like a nightmare.

So, I can’t blame them for being cranky.

And that’s not to say that they’re nasty. They’re just not friendly and I’m cool with that. If they were cheerful all the time, I’d probably find that even more annoying than them being grouchy.

But we have one conductor in particular who is always looking for a fight. It actually kind of reminds me of how I used to bartend, but that’s a story for another day.

This conductor is short, and probably been dealing with a Napoleon complex his whole life. I’m not sure if that’s the only source of his anger or not, but it’s definitely a contributing factor.

The only problem is that his go-to threat is that he’s going to call the cops.

For example, last week on a packed morning train, a couple people stood in the vestibule between cars figuring that was where they had the most room. Now, this is a major offense in the eyes of NJ Transit conductors.

The Grouchy Conductor fought his way through the packed train, checking tickets of the newly arrived cattle. When he finally made it to the vestibule, he met the passengers actually standing there where they had some room.

“You can’t be here.”

“What?”

“You have to ride inside the car.”

“But there’s space here. I can breathe.”

“It’s the law. You have to ride inside the car.”

“But…”

“If you don’t get in the car, I’ll call the cops. This is a felony.”

Now, maybe this passenger didn’t want to pick a fight on his way to work. Or, maybe he really believed the Grouchy Conductor. Hell, maybe it actually is a crime. But really? That’s the go-to threat?

Plus, it’s not the first time he’s used it either. That’s the major infraction, but he’s thrown it around carelessly to the point where I just laugh every time.

One day, hopefully soon and hopefully when I’m in the right kind of mood to appreciate it, someone’s going to call this guy’s bluff.

“Go head. Call the cops.”

After all, that threat is the adult equivalent of saying I’m telling mom. And, I’m sure the Grouchy Conductor will be all too happy to do it. But I bet there’d be a half second where he thinks, “Really? You want me to call the cops? I don’t have to man. Just get inside the car.”

Like I said, I don’t think this is a bad guy. I just think his job sucks and that he’s been doing it for far too long. I can hear his exasperated sighs from across the train when someone doesn’t have their ticket ready. If it’s not ready an instant later, he starts with the, “It’s your responsibility to have it open when I get here.”

But I’m sure he encounters a couple people every day that try to get one over on him. Hey, if you don’t have a ticket and want to try to save a couple bucks, why not?

Like I said, I think it’s a nightmare of a job.

At the end of the day, it’s the whole “I’ll call the cops” bit that pisses me off the most. This guy hasn’t learned yet to just blame it on his superiors. Or, maybe he had, but doesn’t want to miss out on the joy of arguing with passengers.

There’s another conductor on my late train home that bad mouths the NJ Transit leadership all the time. And he’s not the friendliest guy in the world, but at least he’s on my team. It’s us against those damn suits ruining our commute.

But without his confrontations, what would the Grouchy Conductor have left to enjoy?