The Scouting of Cashiers

For the record, the supermarket is not a place I enjoy. It’s not somewhere I want to hang out and talk to people. It’s a race. It’s a warzone.

I look at it like they are holding my food hostage and I have to go in and rescue my bananas, ice cream, and deli meats as quickly as possible. Before, you know, the captors realize I’m taking back my stuff and try to stop me.

I’ve tried to come up with the most efficient strategies to every part of grocery shopping because I hate that place. I think it’s a time suck, but I’m too cheap (practical? Savvy?) to pay them additional money to deliver my groceries to my door.

Plus, I’ve seen those 16-year-olds pick out produce and the politest thing I can say about their process is that they couldn’t give two shits less whether your onion is bruised or not.

Here, I’ll share the art of scouting cashiers and finding the best line. After all, checking out is the one part of the whole damn process I don’t have any control over, especially once I’ve chosen a line.

Scouting Cashiers

I once had a theory that the fastest cashiers were older. But that has proven to be wrong many times.

Surprisingly, you can’t just judge a person by their age and be right all the time. Whoddathunkit?

Here are the stops to picking the best line at the supermarket:

1. Go Further Down

At our supermarket, a ShopRite, the checkout lanes are right in the middle of the front of the store and the only exit is all the way to the left if you’re looking at the lanes from the store-side.

The right side of the aisles is the deli counter and dairy. Our shopping treks end on that side and, when we first started going to this store, I would pick the first lane with a short line on that end. But I quickly learned that that’s a sucker move. They put the trainees down there and the lines are short because anyone who can leaves those lines as soon as possible.

So, we have to go further down, closer to the exit and the express lanes. In general, they seem to put better cashiers down there.

2. Look at the People in Line

It’s not just faces, but also body language. If the people in line are pissed off, the cashier usually sucks. Of course, sometimes the customer is a pain in the ass and even though their total is $250 they’re complaining that their 60-cent coupon off of their two cases of diet soda didn’t work.

But, in general, it’s the cashier’s fault. Play the odds and find a new line.

3. Remember the Cashiers!

Ultimately, it is your responsibility to know the good cashiers from the bad. Most of them are mediocre and tolerable. Those cashiers are interchangeable. But you (AND YOU ALONE!) have to remember the extremes.

If you wait on line forever and then the cashier has a bad attitude, you have to remember this. Do not use them again or it’s your own fault.

4. Things Change

Some people work at supermarkets for years. Others only work there during summers.

Either way, most get better with more practice. (Shocking!) So, just because you had a bad experience with a cashier, doesn’t mean you can’t give them another shot. Just make sure you wait long enough before trying again.

5. Look at the Cashier’s Face

Are they smiling?

Then they’re new at their job and still care about people’s feelings. This does not automatically mean that they are going to be bad. But it does mean they’re new and you have to consider the odds.

Do they look pissed?

They may be looking for a fight (see below). Or, they may just work mad, which could be a good thing. You’ll have to make a decision quickly, so read the face of your cashier to get a glimpse into their soul.

The art of scouting cashiers at the supermarket is more than just a luck of the draw. It's up to you remember the bad ones (and the good ones!) and to look at the faces of those in line. #supermarketadventures #justmarriedlife Click To Tweet

Types of Cashier

The Talker

Some cashiers love to talk. They need a distraction from their soul-sucking job. They want to talk to you, they want to talk to the next person in line, the bagger, the other cashiers. They’re looking for a distraction and usually find it, which means they’re not focused on being efficient and getting you the hell out of there.

There are many types of cashiers at the supermarket. The Talker is one who wants to talk to you and everyone else. Anything to distract him or her from, ya know, scanning your items. #supermarketadventures #justmarriedlife Click To Tweet

The Walker

This is a new one and a type of cashier we had for the first time a couple weeks ago. The cashier was actually scanning one or two items and then walking them down to us instead of using the belt.

She was mind-numbingly slow and the only thing stopping me from saying something was the pleading look on Jess’s face that said she was not in the mood for a confrontation.

The Too-Slow-Scanner

Scanning each item slowly and carefully placing it on the next belt is the equivalent of watching your grandparent type one letter at a time. It’s inefficient and annoying as hell and makes me want to shake them out of their comatose state.

The Too-Fast-Scanner

For many years, I thought this was impossible. However, it is possible for a cashier to scan the items too quickly. It’s like they’re trying to watch you scramble to shove everything into bags to make more room.

The best way to handle this? Start bagging really slowly and let things build up. Now, the ball is in the cashier’s court. Are they going to help you bag or just wait and look like an asshole for not helping?

The best reaction to the cashier who scans your items too quickly? Let them pile up and see how long it takes them to help you bag. The answer: longer than it should. #supermarketadventures #justmarriedlife Click To Tweet

The Looking-for-a-Fight

Cashiers are people too. They have emotions and lives outside of their small compartment. Maybe they broke up with their boyfriend or maybe their dog just died or maybe they’re in love. Some cashiers hate their job and look at every customer as the enemy.

Many of these cashiers are looking for a fight, whether consciously or unconsciously. They are the rarest kind, but there are some tell-tale signs. They have exasperated sighs if you don’t have your Super-Duper Saver Card handy right away or if you give them a complicated coupon.

Tread lightly with these cashiers. You will not win. And, unfortunately, you will have to come here again.

The Newb

I hate being critical of new people at any job. I mean, they just don’t have the experience to be very good yet, and it’s not their fault. But it’s tough at the supermarket.

Newbs can go one of three ways. They’re either quick and efficient, because the job is really easy. They can be slow and nervous. Or, they try to do too much, too quickly.

The good thing is that most newbs are very polite and friendly because they still look at you as a person and not as an obstacle. For the most part, I’ve had good experiences with newbs. But every now and then you get one that makes you rethink ever going to another.

Good Luck in Your Own Supermarket Adventures!

Now that you’re armed with a scouting report of the different types of cashiers and how to spot them, you’re ready to tackle your weekly trip to the supermarket. If you have anxiety, read our guide to shopping at the chaotic supermarket.

Or, check out Jess’s PB&J Banana Bread recipe so you can treat yourself after surviving the supermarket.